"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
