Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
