Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
