Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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