Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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