I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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