My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
