i wish my penis had a tongue
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
