Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
