Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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