Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
