I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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