I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
