ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
