i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
