I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize