But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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