Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
