I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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