i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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