she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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