Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The beer is more important than you right now.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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