wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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