I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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