Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
