Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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