I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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