New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
