tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
