I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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