why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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