Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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