Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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