You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
