Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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