Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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