i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
