I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
