I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
