My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
