Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
