Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
