Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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