Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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