dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
