Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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