OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
