you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize