made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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