i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
