Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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