The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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