he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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