No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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