His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
