I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
