I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
