i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
